I have written before about the process it is to let go of the intensity and move forward into “normal time” following Feb 28^th. How that has created fear, a sense of dis-ease, perhaps even a grief. Fear that I would lose the “aliveness” of this intense holy time. Knowing that I will, at some point, no longer be able to close my eyes and palpably engage the surreal activation of senses that we lived after the accident. My skin shivering inside a damp and confusing cloud that surrounded us-the coldness of it –forbidding the comfort that one gets when the sun permeates the skin with warmth –even as those around us tried so desperately hard to offer that comfort. The dense fog that limited far away vision– yet somehow always cleared just enough to get a glimpse of the immediate path before us. The inability to “hear” the muffled voices of surrounding life events, as all focus was on the now.   The smells – of hospital “clean”. Of bandages removed. Of carts carrying food trays. All of these senses packaged into a confused “raw” time. We were inexplicably being “carried” as if in a hot air balloon “viewing” these days in a somehow detached way from the perspective of “elevation”, while simultaneously feeling every moment that stretched out endlessly. (I guess I haven’t lost these yet…as it was immediate to re-submerge into recounting these…along with more that I won’t publicly enumerate!)

When a tragedy happens that rips open one’s being and exposes the raw, unprotected self, a License is granted. A License to experience depth welling from the inside out, transcending every realm. Grief of the insane tragedy of three lives lost. Inexpressible thanksgiving for two lives spared. The opportunity to create immediate “best friends” in hospital hallways or ICU waiting rooms, or strangers delivering meals, or hosts sharing a car or bed. It is a License to be lifted by one’s community. It is License to strip to honesty of self. Down to the ligaments and bones. Pretense and ego evaporating as they are unnecessary encumberments.

As the crisis time wanes, Licenses are typically revoked. No longer free to share deep deep fears. No longer the need to acknowledge forward movement – now just focusing on milestones.   No longer able to ask those raw, guttural, existential questions of life’s meaning. No longer the grace allowed when spontaneously breaking into tears in the middle of a professional moment.

In all honesty, I know we need these Licenses to be revoked. While the degree of JOY and humility and comfort and Presence of God is an absolute treasure chest that comes with Licensed moments– the grief, agony, pain, and inability to “move” is not, and would be unbearable to continue.

I have spent my whole life being trained to respond to emergencies-initially in my family of origin, and of course, now in my chosen profession. I know my role.  I know the dance steps.  If honest, I may be more comfortable with a License for crisis than the steady pace of “the new normal” we have been undeservedly granted—as I feel so ALIVE when License is granted. Called forth. Roll is clear and ambiguity evaporates.

Perhaps I need to relish and renew myself in a way that is beyond crisis. Perhaps License needs to take on a lower case “l” and the license needs to be steadfastness in the ordinary-where one does continue to strive for the deepness and rawness and richness of intimacy and meaning making. Yet, without the tragedy.

Living through the last few months, with Conor completing college classes and back competing on a Division 1 frisbee team, Shane into college, through his first semester of his senior year and winning soccer state championships!!!, Buckley and I pacing the pace of work juggled with family, church, community, exercise, etc – has been such a “normal” and welcome “outcome” for our family to such a horrific tragedy. And, indeed, the License has been, for the most part, revoked.

I have been reflecting…and have come to realize that I trust myself more in crisis than I do in “normal time”. Yet, perhaps it is time. For the true license (lower case “l”) to begin. To seize the renewal, minus crises, that my soul needs…..