It is upon us. Starting tomorrow, CUT will play in the Tampa ultimate Frisbee tournament. It was at this tournament last year where I first saw CUT play, met James, Michael and Paxton, had a blast on the sidelines with all the parents, including James’ and Michael’s. And…Conor broke his hand on the first day of competition…which seemed so major then and now seems like such a minor side note.

Thinking of the bittersweet nature of attending this Tampa tournament, I scheduled a new experience for myself: a 3 day personal/spiritual/writing retreat at St. Pete’s beach, less than an hour from Tampa. I also lobbied hard to get some other “P-cut” veterans (that is, parent of CUT members that are not rookies) to come to these Tampa sidelines. I do look forward to meeting and welcoming the “rookie P-cut” members, (and sharing our “tradition” of a little wine on the sideline in the last game of the day!…shh….) but somehow wanted some on the sidelines who might get it if I spontaneously break into tears when I see Conor run, or leap to snag a Frisbee. Many of the “veteran” P-cut members have communicated how this tournament will be so difficult, and the HUGE HOLES of 3 players not present, and those parents not cheering on the sidelines. And, I am so fortunate to have some great long time friends also here in Tampa, coming with me to the tournament, who have lived the journey of the last year.

19-21 year old boys do not voice the HOLES in the same way. Yet, I am sure that they will all be remembering that this was the last time the team played together before the accident. Will they express it? Will Conor express it? He has talked about the difficulty of this “anniversary season” already, but what will this weekend hold? I do know I am very much looking forward to seeing “Jett” (his middle name) in action…and just writing that sentence brings tears to my eyes thinking of the miracle of his playing…

As I walked St Pete’s Beach, a question kept surfacing: Is it okay to celebrate? To celebrate Conor’s return to Division 1 athletics? To celebrate the team moving on…

The answer may seem obvious, but for me, I feel like this whole last year is so twisted/knarled/transcended by the death of James, Michael and Paxton and knowing Conor was moments away from death before the first responder arrived. I ache so deeply for these mothers and families. I think about them so many times every day. I have spoken of travelling this journey, recognize the tendency toward Maternal Survivor’s Guilt. It is real. But it is also not the way to live. It is not something any of the mother’s would have me to feel but perhaps the empathy runs so deep it is almost impossible to celebrate fully and at the same time grieve so deeply.

As I paced the St Pete’s Beach this week, I was struck by just how much PAIN there is all around. Horrific killings of hostages, and random occurrences of accidents. Diseases, Poverty, Draught…intractable pain…we all know…

Yet, perhaps as a gift and not just a coincidence, these thoughts would be interrupted by the gleeful squeal of 3 year olds playing “chase” with the waves. Of parents photographing their young child’s lopsided yet regal sand castle. Of birds gracefully swooping down for a catch. By the endless rhythm of waves that always remind me of the eternal… of God With Us…Emmanuel.

And, it occurred to me that this dichotomy of watching Conor and celebrating with reckless abandon yet acknowledging the tragedy of Feb 28th is no different than the dance being choreographed by all humans—life is hard. We will have life that has pain and devastation…Yet, hopefully…we also experience glimpses of JOY and Blessing. Indeed, this heavy weight and dilemma I have been carrying of profound gratefulness and anguished sorrow and simultaneous grief is just part of this dance. It is okay. In a sense, it is “normal”. I am not sure why I needed to come to Florida to walk the beaches to believe and accept this for myself…it does not seem like rocket science, but I do feel more of a peace in carrying this dichotomy.

Will I dance from the tips of my toenails that my son is back attending college, has a rod in his femur, yet can run and leap? YES.   Will I cry and miss desperately the others are not there who would have been save this random car wreck?? ABSOLUTELY.  Will I commune with veteran P-Cut and Rookie P-Cut members celebrating the power of team and athleticism while we enjoy the Tampa sun? You betcha ya.

Yes, it is anniversary season. I look forward to the path ahead, knowing Emmanuel is as sure as the ocean waves…