It is 2015.  Seattle is bathed in lovely sunlight, ringed by the Cascade and Olympic Mountains- fresh snow on their peaks.  It is lovely cold, crisp weather.  Biking to work yesterday had a “bite” from the cold – but also I was “bitten” by 2014 close out reflections.  As Conor said on Dec 30th: “It is really strange hearing people reflect on 2014 and saying such “ordinary” type things — it reminds me that I don’t know quite how to reflect my 2014″.  He did go on to reflect more, but noted “a few people, especially my Carleton friends, look at me when others are talking about 2014 – because we remember – but because things seem so ordinary now, many of my friends no longer remember the Accident.”  He got to spend Dec 31 and today, Jan 1, up at a local ski area skiing with 5 buddies–and two of the people he is skiing with are high school classmates who are also Carleton classmates.  That gave me comfort actually, because he would be with people where he could casually mention the Accident if he reflected on it, and they would get it.

Buckley and I also had dinner together last night, and we reflected about the intensity of the year.  Times when someone says something, or we remember something, and we just start weeping.  How we have both surprised strangers and patients! by starting to cry!  How we both realized the intensity of the initial months put us on “prolonged hyperdrive”.  How we are happy that is over, but that the singularity of focus and intense energy we associate with the initial weeks was a gift and a unique life density.  In someways, it is still hard to let go of the intensity.  I realize I have fear that as I let go of the intensity, somehow I will lose the marks on my soul and my heart-my tattoos.  I think I need a little more time and living to believe that the new “ordinary” will still hold the “holy” (which is how we sum up the time after the Accident).

Both of my kids have said “Mom, you need to move on”.  What does that mean?  To them, it means to talk about the accident less.  Conor does not want my checking in with him!  I told him I ask him because I want him to be able to mention James, Michael and Paxton if he is thinking of them, or mention his femur, or other aspects of the Accident if he needs to.  He has told me that there is little talk about Feb 28th events and the aftermath at Carleton now, or on the Frisbee team–and so I ask him to make sure he gets a chance to express what he is thinking.  He told me that he does feel he can talk about it when he wants, so I didn’t need to keep asking!  But Conor also said something really interesting that I think reflected some of what Buckley and I were speaking about last night.  He said that “When I go see Jim and Julia, or text with Jack [James’ parents and brother] I am geared up to have the grief, but it is when someone tall with dark hair and a pencil behind their ear walks toward me in the library [reminding him of James] that it catches me off guard and there is no way I can study for awhile”.  It is the surprise remembrances, even if they are happy reflections, that can really catch one off guard.

And, as I reflect, it is losing those “off guard” piercing memories or moments that I fear.

So, the integration continues – now in 2015.  I look forward to gaining more confidence through doing life that the Holy Path that was given to us starting Feb 28th continues even as it is less intense.  I realize that our family is, indeed, moving to a place where the Accident gets mentioned or references to recovery, grief, memories float in and out of conversation as natural expressions of our family history and experience.  That tears do not always come…(though they are still frequent!)   I realize that Conor has done a lot of great work with his rehab- certainly physically, also academically, and emotionally.  In November, he met with the first responder who saved his life.,,(big GULP thinking about that meeting!)   “Mom, it is just a part of me now”.

For me- I am starting to realize that the “one year mark” of so many parts of this journey will soon be upon us.  I have set aside a week of vacation in mid February and plan a solo writing/reading/reflecting spiritual retreat.  The week will end attending the Tampa Ultimate Frisbee Tournament – which was where I met the CUT parents last year, met James, Paxton, and Michael and felt the chemistry of this wonderful team and group of parents.  It seems fitting to me that it has worked out to have the first of the “one year later” events be the end of this much coveted personal retreat.  New freshman players are competing, and the parents of these freshman players will also be there – so the team will have a “different” look and feel –indeed, offering a chance to integrate and move on while still reflecting and holding all those “one year ago this time” feelings.

We just had our first family vacation  since the Accident.  A warm, sunny, fun filled week of Christmas in Nicaragua.  What a privilege  – to truly appreciate the four of us being together, present, in these moments!  As I look to 2015 – I look to gaining more “experience” with our new normal – in our nuclear family, and also our extended family including those of the CUT community.  I know I will be frequently awash with gratitude, awe, deep grief and just plain ‘ole emotion as we hit all these one year marks.  The boys are right – it is time to move on:  to trust that the Holy Moments of the last year will not be leaving my heart and soul, even as their intensity morphs and the topography evens out.

2015.  It is here.  As is Emmanuel. (God with us).  Amen.

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